How I Became A Mother


He had not even completed 24 hours in the world. Baby Aleyan. I had barely spent a couple of hours with him. He was brought from the nursery to our hospital room early morning. My husband and parents were going 

gaga over him and were busy taking his pictures to share with friends and family. After two days of madness and drama, there was finally absolute calmness in the room. That's when it happened. While we were preparing to get discharged from the hospital and take our newly arrived parcel home, he coughed. He coughed and there was blood. Our world stopped right there. 

Husband called in the nurses immediately and before I knew it, the tiny bed was getting wheeled out of the room. Everybody followed in a rush, I was left alone in the room. I still had some medicines being administered via IV so I couldn't just get up from the bed. Husband came back after a while and told me our baby was being inspected in the NICU and it would take a couple of blood tests to diagnose what had happened. He had googled possible explanations on his own and told me not to worry, it wouldn't be anything serious. None of his explanations made much sense but I could tell the he felt I must be worried sick and was only trying to comfort me. My parents came back and reassured me everything will be okay. I smiled and calmly nodded, like everything was already okay. 


Everybody was pacing the room, reciting all the prayers they knew and making repeated trips to the NICU to ask for an update. But I was just lying in bed, blankly staring at the walls. I wasn't worried. And that worried me. Why wasn't I freaking out about my newborn spitting up blood and getting kept under intensive care? I wasn't anxious, I wasn't scared. I wasn't even praying for him. What kind of a mother was I? I was in a daze. My mind was numb. I could only hear distant voices which I wasn't able to process completely. I was told I should use the time to get some sleep. That I would wake up to good news. That I wouldn't be able to rest once the baby is back. But I couldn’t. I couldn't sleep. 



After a few hours, we were given the good news that our baby was absolutely fine. The blood he spat wasn't his but mine. It had entered his body during the 25 hours long labour that we had endured together. We were assured by the doctors that it was actually great that the blood was expelled from his body on its own and there was now nothing to fret about. He was perfectly healthy and would just be kept under observation for a day to ensure there were no further hiccups. That meant that I wouldn't be able to hold him for another 24 hours. I burst into uncontrollable tears. My husband and parents rushed to my bedside to console me. They asked why was I crying now that the doctors had confirmed there's nothing to worry about? I didn't know how to explain it to them. How to explain that I couldn't get Aleyan's face out of my head. The face I had barely seen for a couple of hours but had been longing to see since 9 months. I hadn't had the chance to observe his features in peace, hold his hand and soak in his newborn baby smell. I was crying because I needed him in my arms. I needed him in my arms to know that I had him for good and he wouldn't be taken away again.

I was discharged the same day so we had to leave the hospital without our little bundle. I didn't sleep the entire day. I had not slept properly for over 72 hours but was still wide awake at night while everybody else caught up on sleep. I kept seeing his pictures, the ones we had taken in the few hours he had been with us. Over and over again, I zoomed in and out of each picture, God knows how many times. I played and replayed the only video I had of him. I took screenshots of the video just so I could have more pictures to zoom in on. At around 3am, I realized I was sobbing. Husband woke up, alarmed at what could possibly have happened in the middle of the night. He worryingly asked what was wrong. All I could say was: "Aleyan chahiye. I want to hold him. Please take me to him."

And in that moment, I knew, I had become a mother.



28 comments

  1. I don't know what to write. I am in a trance. I am not a mother but I think you reached out to those hidden maternal instincts. (am I actually saying it? I am not someone to take about emotional stuff with ease).
    -MBS

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  2. Truly heart-felt piece, as always :)

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  3. Beautiful! And from then on began a journey of happiness and fear. It is going to a roller coaster for life now :)

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  4. This was beautiful ♡ Im not a mother but I literally felt a ping in my heart reading this. Maternal instincts are precious.. Btw, way your baby born in Taif ?

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  5. Hats off to u girl...U articulated ur feelings very well MashaAllah.
    I am mother of two notorious boys alhamdulillah. First night my baby was kept in nursery and I couldn't slept the whole night... Those feelings are priceless.

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    1. I actually couldn't figure out until much later why I was so restless. Priceless and extremely weird!!

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  6. A heartbreaking start. Thank you for sharing this, my sister lost her daughter just over a year ago. Amelia Grace, she lived for just under one hour before she returned to Our Heavenly Father. It was a heartbreaking end, I often cry for both her and my sister. I know she still struggles, but she puts on a brave face for her other girls and everyone else around her. This gives me more insight to her grief, that she works so hard to cover...as most people no longer think of her sweet Ameila. God bless!

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    1. Hey Laura, I'm so sorry and sad to hear about Amelia. Your sister is lucky to have someone like you to share her grief. She must be a really brave mother, it takes great courage to go through a loss like this. Lots of prayers for you guys !

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  7. Such a heart-felt post. Lots of duaas for you and your baby <3

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  8. Lovely read, you write beautifully! Been following you in insta but read your blog for the first time, I think I going to catch up on previous posts now :D

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  9. I gave birth a month ago, can SO SO SO relate to this!! I think my moment is yet to come, I'm still in a daze. Kuch samajh nahe aa raha...I don't understand how some people expect girls to just transform into mothers in a snap. I think its a long long process.

    By the way, love that room decor, is that a hospital in Jeddah by any chance?

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    1. I think people who expect that either haven't gone through the process themselves or went through ages ago and have now had a memory loss.

      Yup, it's IMC Jeddah. Had the most satisfying experience there.

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  10. What a beautiful note Anum!:)

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  11. Beautifull ♡
    The same happened with me .I felt my motherhood feelings after a day my Boy born, till then there was a mixed feelings that i even cant describe in words. But when i first time took my son in my arms it was magical . Magically i became a mother at that very moment and then the same happenings ( staring him ,holding his hands for no reason )
    No Doubt Motherhood is a blessing itself and we are so blessed Alhamdullilah ♡ :)

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  12. Hey, I've been a silent reader of your blog. But had to comment on this one. I'm far from motherhood but absolutely loved reading this piece :)

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  13. This piece can make anyone want to become a mother :D
    May Allah bless you and your little one and your husband aameen
    Maham

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